Dear Gary.

I thought of starting this off by saying dear dad but that just doesn't feel right. To the man who helped create me but not raise me. To the father I had. To the father that I'll never know. To the parent that can't enjoy his blessings. To the grandfather that'll never bounce his grandkids on his knee. Those are ways I could start this. More than anything I'd love to call you daddy but I just can't because I haven't spoken those words in reference to you in 17 years. How could I call you that. You haven't been my daddy. I watch my children grow and learn. I have so many hopes and aspirations for them. Their lives are my reason for living. Just the thought of leaving them alone brings out my inner child. I will never leave them. Sometimes I look at them and wonder how a person could ever abandon their child. There's millions of children growing up with out a father. Am I special?? That's my biggest question in life. When you took your life I hope you really thought about the impact it would have on your children. But you must not have because here I am... Fatherless. I was a five year old wide eyed innocent child. I feel my life didn't matter to you. I didn't matter. All my life I've only heard stories of you. I have a few choice memories to cherish. The smell of bondo. The chew ring on the back of your wranglers. Watching star wars on the living room floor mimicking your exact position. Finding my brothers and sister huddled in a ball crying while my mom spoke to the police after my big sister found you lifeless on my big brothers birthday. You didn't just take your life. You took Cassandra's chance of a normal childhood she had to grow up so fast. You took Zelan's chance of a strong lifelong father son bond. You took Tyler's innocence away I'm sure he needed you to teach him so much. You took away my chance of a normal relationship with a man. You took Dedreanna's chance of raising a family not just 4 young children. These people who loved you. You left them. My mom did her very best but you left her with 4 children and a boat load of emotional baggage. We watched her try. Fail. Try. Fail. Lie. Lie. Lie. Provide. Cry. Try. Fail. Love. She did it all out of love. She did anything and everything she could to keep us whole. But she couldn't be your role. From what I've heard which may be false because I didn't know you, you wouldn't have been the kind of father I've always dreamed you were. The fighting. Drugs. Alcohol. Whatever your demons were I couldn't have fought them with my smile and big brown eyes. Because of you I'm constantly seeking approval and affection from men. The way I was raised did some serious damage to my way of thinking and I had no morals. I love my mother dearly. With the strongest part of my soul. She tried her very hardest but never provided guidance or rules or discipline. My mother turned her broken heart into an open heart. Providing love shelter and compassion for not only her children but others. But she wasn't you and could never be. You couldn't be you. How could any of us even try to fill that role?? It didn't exist. I've lived with the fear of being left. I know you loved me very much because it's a love that can't be defined. Pure love. The love you have for a child. I'm going to love my children. Keep them safe. Raise them. Show them praise. Instill discipline. Teach them morals. This letter is saying my peace. Accepting it grieving and moving on. I wish I could know you. See your face. Hear your voice. Your children are amazing people so I'm sure you were pretty cool yourself. Too bad you can not tell me why you did what you did. Why your life wasn't worth living. I get down sometimes and think of you. Your grandchildren are beautiful and I wish you could hold them. Like I've always wished you'd hold me. I love you. Thanks for giving me life. I am going to live it. Rest in peace.